Forever Changed

This week I have been listening to a lot of Carrie Underwood. I'm not sure why but I am just in the mood for her. You know sometimes you are in a T Swift mood and you crank up the tunes and "sing" at the top of your lungs. Well it's like that but with Carrie Underwood. It is probably a good thing that I currently do not have any neighbours otherwise they would be tortured blessed to be listening to my awful awesome singing. Seriously I should have a record deal *shakes head no*. I have been listening to her album "Blown Away". So good.

But one song has been played a few more times than the others. It is called "forever changed". 

This song has been speaking to me and making me think about a lot of things. The song itself tells a story of a women who gets married, has a baby, and then watches her mother suffer through Alzheimer's disease. It talks about how events change us. Things we go through mold us into the person we are. of course this has me thinking about things that have changed me. 

I do not think this is a coincidence that this week marks one year since I lost my baby boo. My mind has been floating to that day when everything changed more often than not lately. It hurts my heart to think about what might have been, and how different my life would be right now if things had not have gone they way they did. I do not know where I would be, or what I would be doing. 

But I do know that I am forever changed. 

Forever changed by the life that had been growing inside of me. 

Forever changed by the love that I felt for my baby.

Forever changed by the way some people treated me.

Forever changed by the new appreciation I have for my mom.

Forever changed by the reality of losing a child.

Forever changed by grief.

Forever changed by grace and mercy that was poured over me by God.

Forever changed by my fears for my future.

Forever changes by God's plan.

Forever changed by a new outlook on life.

Forever changed by the way I now see motherhood.

Forever changed by the saddest moments of my life.

Forever changed by the hurt.

Forever changed by the loss of both a baby and a few friendships.

Forever changed by the new chance I was given.

Forever changed by the new chapter in MY story.

Forever changed by the hope of my future. 

Forever changed by God's glory.

To anyone who has lost a child I pray that we can have peace and feel HIS love and have reassurance through HIM. 

So baby for now I will cherish the few pictures I have of you, I will hold them close to my heart until one day we meet again. I love you so much, more than words can express. Today I will have a few moments of sadness but I will cling to the fact that you are not suffering and you feel no pain. You are soaring with jesus, and one day I will hold you!! 

If you really knew me:

If you really knew me..

1) you would know all of my movies are listed in alphabetical order.

2) you would know I cannot go to bed without washing all of my dirty dishes.

3)you would know it bothers me immensely if I have to leave my house and my bed is not made.

4) Jodi Picoult is one of my favourite authors.

5) I am doing a cross stitch that is going to take me 10 years that my awesome friends Courtney and Joey like to call my "twilight porno". Which it is not. There are no boobs, vaginas, or penis' in the picture. 

6) I have recently switched from drinking regular pepsi to drinking diet pepsi, or diet caffeine free pepsi. If I even drink pop at all. And the best part is that i like it. If this was a year ago I would be laughing at the thought of liking diet pop. 

7) in the last 3 weeks I have watched 7 seasons of How I meet Your Mother, one season of Bones, and 3 seasons of The big bang theory. 

8)I am being orientated to a new floor in september and I really hope it is maternity. I want to be in my comfort zone again. I want to watch midwives do their work.

9) I want to be a midwife.

10)And I like owls. Cute decorative owls.

The tour: The main floor

Part of moving to northern newfoundland involved me moving into my first real "home". I thought I would share with you all what I have done with my newly renovated 3 bedroom, 2 story apartment. So here you have it:

I have an obsession with movies, and the big bang theory. I love my awesome crayon art, that I actually made. I also enjoy having my degree hanging on my wall!

Dad's old chair!

My new couch and table. Please note the puzzle located on the table. obviously I have not changed. The best thing about this room is those three picture frames, filled with my amazing friends and families and memories made with the same. 

My beautiful kitchen. Oh so wonderful.

My AWESOME cookie jar. yes it is a pig. and yes it has eggs on the back of it! BHAHAHA

What you need to know about her:

Over at little miss momma I read a beautiful post written about one of her best friends. It got me thinking about who my best friend is and what I would write about her. So alas this post was born! So sit back and enjoy meeting my best friend.

Jenna Lynn Gould.

Who is she?

She is my best friend.

On a Sunday 8 years ago She called me. Out of the blue, having never spent any one on one time together before, having never had a relationship before. She called and we literally talked for hours. We found some many things that we had in common in that 2 hour phone conversation, and decided we would be friends. I guess you can say the rest was history.

So who is Jenna? 

Jenna is a beautiful women with a heart bigger than anyone I know. Jenna has been there for me through thick and thin. When there was no one else I could turn to there was Jenna. always. without question.

Jenna gets me. She knows how I think and reason. She knows my heart and what I dream of. 

Jenna is a go getter, when she sees something she wants, she goes and gets it. She puts in the hard work to get what she wants.

She has amazing work ethic, and would do anything for anyone.

Jenna has amazing intuition. She just has to look at me or talk to me and she seems to know what I need. She knows when to me quite and listen. She knows when to speak up. She knows when I need someone to tell me I am being stupid. She has a way of building me up that no else has. She is amazing.

She is a beautiful women of God. She lives her life for our God. 

She inspires me. 

She is humble. 

She is full of grace. 

She is trustworthy.

 She is gentle. 

She is kind. 

She is patient. 

She has compassion. 

She is my best friend. 

Jenna, Thank-you for being the best friend I could ever ask for. You are amazing. You have been a huge influence in my life. You have always been there for me. I hope that I have been even half the friend for you as you have been for me. I love you so much. Forever and always your "Drug buddy". 

Today

Today I am lonely. 

Today I miss my family and friends. 

Today it is raining. 

Today I am sleepy. 

Today I am half cranky. 

Today I am doubting my decision to live in this tiny town. 

Today I am craving the community I moved away from.

Today I am wanting more.

Today I feel useless.

Today I am afraid of my future.

Today I am feeling unworthy.

Today I feel like crying.

Today I want to leave.

Today I want my old life.

Today I am having a hard to seeing the good in this town.

Today I want to go home.

Today I felt the old Tiffany slipping back into my mind.

So today I picked up my bible, opened my journal and poured out my heart.

Today I feel to my knees.

Today I asked for forgiveness.

Today I asked for help to see the good.

Today I asked for help to see his promises

Today I prayed that my eyes would be opened.

Today I prayed that the veil covering my eyes be torn to bits.

Today I broke, but was pieced back together again.

Today I felt his grace and mercy.

Today I was able to see some light.

Today I was able to enjoy and rejoice in the small things.

Today I was able to see his providence.

Today I was able to ride myself of me long enough to gain a bit of perspective.

Today I was able to see what God has for me.

Today I was able to see what I need to strive for.

What have you done today? 

Who is she {PART ONE}

The place I called home for the first 17 years of my life was a little town in Nova Scotia, Canada. The best part about the town is this...

Not really, but it is the only thing Oxford is known for. Every time I go anywhere this is how a conversation goes:

Stranger-"where are you from?"

Me-"oh, Oxford, NS."

Stranger-"OHHHHH, The place with the big blueberry?"

Me-"yeah, that's it"

Stranger-"You must LOVEE blueberries".

Me-*eye roll* "actually, no, I hate them."

Person then gasps in disgust. 

It is indeed true, I hate blueberries. I grew up in a town were everything was blueberries. EVERYTHING. After picking them as a kid, I hate them. And no I cannot get you fresh blueberries when I go home. You can buy them frozen in the freezer section labeled "Oxford blueberries" for much cheaper than me getting them. *End of rant on blueberries*

Besides the gross awesome blueberries in Oxford there really isn't anything else it is known for. When I was growing up I hated the town. I could not wait to get out. I could not see one good thing about the little town that would possibly possess someone to come back there to "raise their children". When people said that line I would gag or vomit in my mouth smile nicely and nod in agreement.  Now after being gone for 4 years I have learned to appreciate a few things about that crappy little town. 

One of the things I liked about the town was the safety. When you live in a small town where everyone knows everyone you feel safe. When someone new comes to town you know. You also know that if anything was to happen there would always be someone to help near by that you know. 

Another thing I really liked about my town is the size. YES I know, Im crazy. let me explain. In a small town you have a small school. In a small school you have small classes. In small classes you have more one on one time with teachers who invest in you more because they can. I was one of those kids who was the classic "teacher's pet". I, as you can imagine, was also made fun of a lot. Up until high school.  Being made fun of made me become very dedicated to school. I was the kid who asked for homework, and asked the teacher to check the homework. I was such a wiener kid (that one is for you Nicole). But being so dedicated to school at such a young age drove me to want more from life, more than the classic barely-graduate-high-school-and-then-stay-in-oxford-and-work-at-the-save-easy-or-oxford-frozen-foods-for-the-rest-of-my-life road. This is what drove me to go to university. 

Another part of going to a small school is that you eventually become friends with everyone in your school because when your school only has 350 people from grades 6 to 12 you have to be friends. After we all were in high school people stopped being jerks and we all became friends, for the most part.

we went to dances together:

I was clearly much bigger then.

  We went to the beach together:

We had a anual all girls pyjama wearing christmas party:

We also went to parties together:

And then believe it or not we all actually graduated together:

During graduation I cried, and cried, and cried, and cried. I was so excited to be done, but so afraid of change, and of starting a new life where I didn't know anyone. But I am here to tell you I was excited and could not wait to get out of that town. The only thing that was holding me back was the best part of the town:

My family. Mind you this is not everyone in my family, but these are most of the ones that were at my parents house on christmas day 2011. 

Moving away from my family in september of 2008 has certainly brought me closer to my family. As in moving away forced us all to come together as a group more often then when I lived at home. Everyone always feels like when someone is home visiting you have to see them, whereas if you live there you tend to go months and months without actually spending any time together. So When I moved 2 hours away in 2008 it made my family closer as a whole. In made me love my family in a way that I didn't think was possible. 

So there you have it, the first instillation of "Who is she" posts. 

Getting healthy

It is time for me to get healthy.
I have been putting it off for years. I am treating God's temple with disrespect. I put garbage into my body, when I should be putting nutritious food into it instead. I have not been being active at all. I have let my weight spiral out of control.

I have been displaying signs and symptoms of type two diabetes now for about 6 months. I have been avoiding going to a doctor, because let's face it I am a nurse, and nurses make the worst patients. It has been getting a bit worse in the last few weeks. I have been taking my sugar randomly at work and have seen it anywhere from 15.6 to 3.4 normal is between 4.5-and 6.5. So it appears that I can not avoid it any longer and need to see a doctor, and get it under control before I have more issues.

So here I am to say that I am making a commitment to being more active, eating healthier, and emptying my body of garbage (both physically and mentally).

New blog. New life. New Journey.

As you can see, this is my new blog.
I have decided to get back into blogging. Mostly because I have been feeling convicted. God has been telling me for a long time that my spiritual gift is encouragement. I have done everything in my power to ignore this and try to deny its truthfulness. But alas, God always wins.

Through this blog I hope to build people up, encourage people, and give people a chance to see that not everyone has it all together. I want to honour God through my words, and be a living testimony to his peace, joy, fulfillment, contentment, and newness.

I want to be a noise in this world, a joy filled noise that no one can ignore!

If you don't know me, or if you do for that matter, and you want to chat, or get to know me better stay tuned. This blog will be open, honest me. Send me an email, add me to Facebook, or follow my twitter.

I look forward to "meeting" you all and getting to know you.

A loss, A broken heart, and God's will.

*This post was written 11-16-11, two months after I had a miscarriage. 

This was a very important part of my life and has influenced my every decision in the last year,

 so I thought i was important to include.*

Growing up I knew my mom and dad had been trying to have another baby. I grew up watching them build up excitement and then be utterly crushed when a pregnancy would never carry to term.

In my young mind I tried to understand the devastation they had or the pain they felt but I just could not grasp any of it. 

I just knew my mom was hurt. 

I knew my dad would cry when he was alone, never letting us know he was hurt. 

I knew that my parents had me and my sister. In my mind we were good enough for them, I didn't want another sister and/or brother. 

I wanted my parents to myself. 

I remember feeling hurt that my parents wanted another child. 

I remember feeling like I must not be good enough. 

Look back on this now my heart breaks. 

My heart breaks that I would have ever thought those things. 

My heart breaks for my parents, for those children that never breathed. 

For our family. 

But up until I became pregnant I truly could not understand the pain, the devastation, the anger, and the internal struggle my mother had faced over and over again with the loss of those babies. 

Not until I knew there was a little human growing inside of me, not until I felt the amazing amount of love that I have for that little human, did I understand what it might be like to have that taken from you once let alone multiple times. 

When I found out I was pregnant and I felt the love I did, one of the first thoughts I had was about losing that child. I was terrified. I could not imagine what that would feel like. as soon as these thoughts crossed my mind My mom came next. I actually went through a couple of days of mourning for her, and for all of the babies she has lost. 

My heart ached for her. 

My heart felt so hurt, in a completely different way than it had at any other time in my life. 

Being pregnant gave me a completely different outlook on life, on family, on love, and most importantly God. 

I am going to go ahead and assume that by this point in this post you have figured out that I am no longer pregnant. If not, you know now. 

Literally from the moment I found out I was pregnant I was worried about a miscarriage. They "run" in our family, all of the women on my mom's side have had one or more. One of my biggest fears is that I won't be able to have children. So naturally that would be one of the first things for me to think about. 

When I reached 12 weeks I was extremely relieved. The world then knew I was pregnant and by that point I had completely accepted the very unplanned pregnancy. I had a love growing in me that you can not understand unless you have children. 

Once I reached 12 weeks I gave myself permission to start getting excited about that little baby, my little baby. I was talking about the future with excitement, still lots of fear, still lots of unknowns, but there was definitely excitement. I was thinking about names, baby clothes, baby toys, and anything baby related. 

This lasted for about 6 days. 

I started feeling weird about 4 days after being 12 weeks. I just didn't feel right. I just felt like something wasn't right. 

I don't think you can imagine the pain, fear, sadness, and immediate grief I felt the moment I realized what was happening, unless you have yourself as a women lost a baby.

The days that followed were hard, were frustrating, were challenging, and so much more. But God has given me people. People who love me. People who encourage me on a daily basis. Some of these people know who they are, and that they have influenced me greatly over the last weeks. But there are others who don't know me, who have no idea that they have been a light in an area of darkness for me. So to all of you thank-you. 

Since losing this baby God has challenged me to grow, has challenged me to reach out to people, and has challenged me to actively pursue a career in which i can help women who are going through the same situation. 

The loss of this child has been terribly hard, heart wrenching, and at times debilitating. But the loss of this child has also given God something to use. God has used it in so many ways. My little baby has touched, and will continue to touch so many lives without ever even taken a breath. 

One of the biggest blessings through this situation was the salvation of someone very close to me. I will not talk about it, because it isn't my story to tell, but God used this baby, my baby, to reach the heart of a women who means a lot to me, a women who has greatly influenced my life, a women who has so much potential to glorify God. A women who's life has already changed so many others. Someday my baby will get the chance to meet this women, in heaven. BEAUTIFUL.

When I have a day when I want nothing more than to feel my baby moving inside of me, to see the growth of my baby, I cling to the promises of God. I cling to the Glory that has been brought to him. I cling to Jesus. I take out my little box of things, and I hold them and thank God for that little baby. My baby, who will forever be in my heart. I ask Jesus to give me an opportunity to use the situation, to tell the story of my baby again to help some other women, some other family to grow, or to have some form of encouragement. 

I can already predict days when the pain will resurface and threaten to set me back but a last I will cling to God. I will never "just forget" or "move on" or "get over it". My heart will love this baby, but as time goes on the pain will be less, and God will give me the ability to have peace. 

I will always love you Baby Boo.

God's Kingdom

*this was written on 11-07-11*

In the last month God has truly broken my heart. Broken it for his kingdom. 

Everywhere I look I see people who are hurting, people who are so caught up in the world that they don't even realize they are dead inside. And every time I see them my heart breaks more. 

I want to pour myself (and thus jesus) into these people. 

I want to give them jesus

I want them to experience the peace, and joy that they can experience because of jesus dying on the cross. 

I want God to move them.

Over the last few weeks I feel like God has shown me so much. I feel like God has been waving opportunities in my face for the last 6 months and I am just now seeing them.

So here I stand, or rather sit while typing, with my arms open wide yelling "use me". 

I will pour into the people God has given me more than ever before over the next 6 months. I will do my best to let God's glory, grace, and mercy shine threw me. 

What will you do over the next 6 months for God's kingdom?

God's Promises

*This post was written 10-03-11*

It has been awhile since I have posted. Here is why:

I have been stuck in a rut. The I-am-angry-at-God-and-think-my-ways-are-better-than-his rut. Who am I to get angry at God. But it happened. Since just before september started I have been feeling so far from God that I can't even feel him in my life anymore. And oh how wrong that is. God is SO evident in my life. Every single thing about my life screams GOD. Everything.

God is so persistent. He pursues us and is drawn to those who are weak, heavy burdened, weary, and faint at heart. 

Basically for the last month I have just been existing. waking up, eating, classes, school work, and sleeping. Nothing more nothing less. I have had no joy, ambition, or really even a sense of Hope. But God id God and he provided for me in more ways than I truly know. 

God has placed so many people in my life to act as encouragement, and to push me, and to remind me of where my heart needs to be. On my birthday, one of my friends gave me a list of promises ad encouragement from God. A simple list of bible verses. It hit me like a ton of bricks. For real. Every single verse on that page spoke about my current life. Everyone. It was so God. The person had no idea what was going on in my life, they just felt lead to share. God amazes me every stinking day.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord."-Isaiah 55:8

God is trying to break me of myself. I like control, I love to have control over everything in my life. God says no. God says he is in control and that I need to let it go. Let everything go to him. He has his hand in everything and he knows what he is doing. I do not know what I am doing. My ways are not his ways. 

God you are good. So Good.

September 3rd 2011

*written 09-03-11*

I fail.

Every day I fail.

Today I fail.

yesterday I failed.

Tomorrow I will fail.

My heart is broken.

My mind is wondering into very very dangerous territory.

Numbness, All I feel is Numb.

I want to feel something again. I want to feel alive again.

Or at least I am telling myself that is what I want.

Pregnancy

*This post was written 08-20-11, it is just an important post that is worth sharing again*

Well when two people.......just joking.

Actually I am writing this post for a reason (not that any other post hasn't been for a reason). I found myself having a conversation with a wonderful group of my christian family about a week ago. This conversation wasn't just any conversation, it was a huge conversation.

Here is the thing with Christians: we love everyone. We love each other. We truly care for each other like we are family. We watch out for one another in a million and ten ways. We make sure everyone is eating, sleeping, paying their bills, and getting through life just like a normal family. But we also challenge each other in our faith, we make ourselves step out of our comfort zones, we hold each other accountable. Whether that means asking how much money we have spent, or asking if we have watched porn, or if we have been having unhealthy thoughts, and if we have been reading our bibles (this list can go on forever).

As Christians we want to help people draw nearer to God. The bible tells us that The only thing that separates us from him is SIN. That is it. So don't sin. easy answer right? wrong. So we hold each other accountable, we ask uncomfortable questions, and we invest ourselves in our "families" lives. All of this to say that My friends are amazing.

So this conversation that I spoke about? well this was a "we-are-calling-you-out-on-stuff-because-we-love-you-and-care-about-you-and-god" conversation. this is different from a non-christian relationship because it is done with love. no judgement. no anger. no disappointment.

anyway at this conversation it was brought to my attention that people were concerned about how I may be coming off as accepting of the action and the sins that have gotten me into my situation. After looking back at this I think I need to clarify a few things:

I am a sinner. i was born a sinner, I sin every day. I will die a sinner.

Jesus was not a sinner. Jesus is the only man who was perfect. He came to earth. He lived. he taught. He healed in gods name. He preformed miracles. And then he died. not because of what he did, but instead because of what we had yet to do, what those people had done. Jesus freed us from our sin. He took the blame, he took one for the team. He saved us because the wager of sin is death. Jesus died for us. All of us.

because of jesus I am free. I am free from the sin of my past, and of the present. All I have to do is accept the forgiveness from God. He is standing there handing it to me (and you) all I have to do is reach out and claim it. Claim my freedom.

So how did I end up being almost 21 years old pregnant going into  my fourth year of university and single?Wasn't I suppose to be the one who got married at 25, kids my 28, perfect family? Right. like that was ever going to happen.

I am human. Humans are sinners. From the day the forbidden fruit was eaten humans have been a mess. We make mistakes, we do things wrong, we hurt people, and ourselves. We live by the world. We want worldly things that really will never matter. We get over come by desires of the flesh, we want things that are going to give us pleasure and happiness in the present time.

Sex is great. sex is really great, but only when it is in the situation that god has intended it to be. God intended sex to be a very intimate thing that is only suppose to be shared between a husband and a wife. our world has changed the view of sex into one of materialism. Everyone is suppose to be doing it. But God calls us not to take part in it until we are married.

Clearly this did not happen for me. I am human. I fell into a situation where my body spoke louder than my heart. I sinned. i hurt god. I did something that he intended me not to do. Am I happy about this? no. am i telling people to go and have sex get pregnant and have a nice messed up life by being excited about a baby? no. I am saying that God is God. Don't put him in a box.

I am sad that i sinned against God. I am sad that I am pregnant. I am relieved that God loves me enough to give me grace and lift me out of the whole I was in and carry me until I could walk again.

When I found out I was pregnant I was mad. the first thought that went threw my head? "Why has God dealt me this shitty hand of cards?" Why did i think this? because I am human.

I have spent the last several weeks praying about this and walking around with guilt and shame, and feeling disappointment. until God reminded me that i didn't have to walk around with the weight of the world on my shoulders.

My point: I am NOT encouraging people to have pre-marital sex.

Me being excited about this baby is not me being excited about how I got to this position. God did not put this in my life. I made descions that lead me to this situation. I chose to ignore god for awhile I put him in a box.

What I do know is: God has a way of working in every situation. God is huge. God's glory will shine through everything you do if you will let it. I want god to shine through me. Babies are a huge blessing. even if I have gotten to this point in a way that goes against god he will still use it. i do not see this as a curse.

Final words:

I am having a baby. i am not habing an abortion. I will not walk around with my head hung in shame. God has already taken care of everything. God has forgiven me, and has given me a seat in heaven. I am excited about this baby. I am not excitied about the SIN that has gotten me here.

So when you hear me talking about this little growing fetus with excitement, don't think that I planned it, or wanted it to happen right away. and don't think that I am blaming God, Im not. God is huge. God will use whatever situation you or I end up with because he is God he can bring glory out of anything

Pregnant and Jobless.

*This post was written 8-16-11, again an important part of the last year*

Now I do not have a job. I am pregnant and I don't have a job.

How is everything going to be okay? How is God going to be glorified in this situation? How in the world is God going to get me through this?

I know he has a plan, I know he loves me and this baby. I know he knows what he is doing. I KNOW. But that does not change all of the feelings I am having.

doubt

shame

guilt

anger

fear

sadness

weakness

stupidity

God i do not want these feelings. Take them. Take them as far as the east is from the west. free me of them. give me the strength, encouragement, patients, and trust that i need to believe in you and put my faith in you. God I have always needed you. But right now. In this moment. I need you bad. I need you more than I have ever needed you. It is no longer just about me. You have created in me a special person, someone who you know, someone who you have placed in me for a purpose. My life does not matter. What matters is that this baby is safe, that this baby ends up being loved and provided for. and that your glory will shine through it. God protect my heart. protect my brain and mind. God protect me. all of me. Give me guidance. Show me the way, your way. I need you now.

Boxes

Picture this:

You are getting married. You have a wedding shower. You get a set of amazing china. You go home. you put it in a box. You decide that you cannot use this china for everyday life because it is too fancy. So you put it in that box and you put it in a cupboard. You chose not to bring it out again until thanks-giving or christmas. You only bring this beautiful china out when it is a big occasion because you don't want it broken.

let's be honest we all know someone who has done this. it doesn't even have to be china, it could be anything. Those really great shoes, or "that" dress. We choose not to use these things because we are afraid of breaking them right?

over the last few weeks i have been realizing how many people do this to God. Putting God in a box. making him smaller than he is, and not bringing him out unless you know the conditions are perfect. We take God out and tell him what he "has" to do. We tell God how we think he should work. How he should be blessing us. And when God says "what are you thinking? I am so bigger than that" we quickly shove him back in the box and swear to only take him out when we are in the right condition.

I am guilty. I do this. I have been putting God in a box for the last 5 years. Only taking him out when I know I won't be hurt. Only when I know that I will have the right answers. Or when I know that God is  truly working.

Right now in this moment I even feel guilty writing this.

The last week I have shoved God back in the box that I keep for him. I stuffed him in deep and decided that I had the right answers. That I was going to make decisions that were going to please me. I was not going to act in a way that god has and is calling me to act. Did it get me ahead in life? No. Did it make me feel like crap for 2 days? Yes sir. Did I make bad decisions? Yes. Do I deserve forgiveness? No. Will I still get forgiveness? Yes.

God is bigger than anything you can even imagine. God is full of grace. More Grace that we can even think about.

I write this because I need to remind myself once again.