A loss, A broken heart, and God's will.

*This post was written 11-16-11, two months after I had a miscarriage. 

This was a very important part of my life and has influenced my every decision in the last year,

 so I thought i was important to include.*

Growing up I knew my mom and dad had been trying to have another baby. I grew up watching them build up excitement and then be utterly crushed when a pregnancy would never carry to term.

In my young mind I tried to understand the devastation they had or the pain they felt but I just could not grasp any of it. 

I just knew my mom was hurt. 

I knew my dad would cry when he was alone, never letting us know he was hurt. 

I knew that my parents had me and my sister. In my mind we were good enough for them, I didn't want another sister and/or brother. 

I wanted my parents to myself. 

I remember feeling hurt that my parents wanted another child. 

I remember feeling like I must not be good enough. 

Look back on this now my heart breaks. 

My heart breaks that I would have ever thought those things. 

My heart breaks for my parents, for those children that never breathed. 

For our family. 

But up until I became pregnant I truly could not understand the pain, the devastation, the anger, and the internal struggle my mother had faced over and over again with the loss of those babies. 

Not until I knew there was a little human growing inside of me, not until I felt the amazing amount of love that I have for that little human, did I understand what it might be like to have that taken from you once let alone multiple times. 

When I found out I was pregnant and I felt the love I did, one of the first thoughts I had was about losing that child. I was terrified. I could not imagine what that would feel like. as soon as these thoughts crossed my mind My mom came next. I actually went through a couple of days of mourning for her, and for all of the babies she has lost. 

My heart ached for her. 

My heart felt so hurt, in a completely different way than it had at any other time in my life. 

Being pregnant gave me a completely different outlook on life, on family, on love, and most importantly God. 

I am going to go ahead and assume that by this point in this post you have figured out that I am no longer pregnant. If not, you know now. 

Literally from the moment I found out I was pregnant I was worried about a miscarriage. They "run" in our family, all of the women on my mom's side have had one or more. One of my biggest fears is that I won't be able to have children. So naturally that would be one of the first things for me to think about. 

When I reached 12 weeks I was extremely relieved. The world then knew I was pregnant and by that point I had completely accepted the very unplanned pregnancy. I had a love growing in me that you can not understand unless you have children. 

Once I reached 12 weeks I gave myself permission to start getting excited about that little baby, my little baby. I was talking about the future with excitement, still lots of fear, still lots of unknowns, but there was definitely excitement. I was thinking about names, baby clothes, baby toys, and anything baby related. 

This lasted for about 6 days. 

I started feeling weird about 4 days after being 12 weeks. I just didn't feel right. I just felt like something wasn't right. 

I don't think you can imagine the pain, fear, sadness, and immediate grief I felt the moment I realized what was happening, unless you have yourself as a women lost a baby.

The days that followed were hard, were frustrating, were challenging, and so much more. But God has given me people. People who love me. People who encourage me on a daily basis. Some of these people know who they are, and that they have influenced me greatly over the last weeks. But there are others who don't know me, who have no idea that they have been a light in an area of darkness for me. So to all of you thank-you. 

Since losing this baby God has challenged me to grow, has challenged me to reach out to people, and has challenged me to actively pursue a career in which i can help women who are going through the same situation. 

The loss of this child has been terribly hard, heart wrenching, and at times debilitating. But the loss of this child has also given God something to use. God has used it in so many ways. My little baby has touched, and will continue to touch so many lives without ever even taken a breath. 

One of the biggest blessings through this situation was the salvation of someone very close to me. I will not talk about it, because it isn't my story to tell, but God used this baby, my baby, to reach the heart of a women who means a lot to me, a women who has greatly influenced my life, a women who has so much potential to glorify God. A women who's life has already changed so many others. Someday my baby will get the chance to meet this women, in heaven. BEAUTIFUL.

When I have a day when I want nothing more than to feel my baby moving inside of me, to see the growth of my baby, I cling to the promises of God. I cling to the Glory that has been brought to him. I cling to Jesus. I take out my little box of things, and I hold them and thank God for that little baby. My baby, who will forever be in my heart. I ask Jesus to give me an opportunity to use the situation, to tell the story of my baby again to help some other women, some other family to grow, or to have some form of encouragement. 

I can already predict days when the pain will resurface and threaten to set me back but a last I will cling to God. I will never "just forget" or "move on" or "get over it". My heart will love this baby, but as time goes on the pain will be less, and God will give me the ability to have peace. 

I will always love you Baby Boo.